lundi 7 janvier 2013
I'm starting this new little thing to motivate myself, keep a trace of the days and just to force myself to write, as often as I can. I'd love to be able to write in english just like I do in french, but that is really unlikely to happen unless I start reading a lot in english. And by reading I mean poetry and novels. Which I'm not really doing. Anyway it's not literature, but I hope you'll enjoy and feel free to let me know if you relate to any of this or not. I'll probably post these like once a week, in order to keep a track and not let this take over the blog.
I've been waiting for it for years. I've been wanting and fantasizing about these little things every time I'd hear the clock or anyone tell me " it's time!". Cooking at 4am. Not just boiling some water and throwing pastas in there, no; actually cooking. Onions, tomatoes, garlic, pasta and basilic, the whole Italy in the kitchen when everyone else is sleeping. A bath at 3, when everything is silent, the bathtub becoming as impressive as a waterfall. No one to tell me it's time to go to bed, to eat, to get ready, to do this or give up on that. Time like I feel it, want it and rearranging small things in my life, the way it's working for me. I've always thought this was one of the essential points for me to become happy and peaceful. I've always been tired of making sense, of restraining myself from living by my desires for the things I could easily allow to be conducted by nothing logical or sensible. A dinner entirely in the dark, sushis for breakfast, eating icecreams during winter and hot stew during summer, sleeping with windows open when it's raining, setting up a castle in the living room eventhough my bed is so cosy, or a chritmas tree in September, going to bed with my favourite books around me to feel less lonely, collecting teddy bears when I'm 20, or covering all of my walls with receipts, maps, pictures, postcards and flyers, having Halloween on Christmas and changing the date of my birthday every year ... As a child I was longing with excitment and sparkling eyes for the time I could do all these. It was almost impossible for me to imagine more exciting and thrilling than that, than this complete freedom, without anything planned or meant to happen at this very moment.
5th day of 2013 and I still can't really realize it's a new year. Every new year's eve I start feeling anxious, sad, awfully sad to leave a year behind. It feels like definitely leaving a very good friend, without any proper chance to say goodbye. I keep thinking " please, just one more week, one week to set up a dinner with everyone, or a last trip together or maybe just remembering happy times around a cup of tea, before saying goodbye". I also want to take some time to clean the room, get the house ready for the new year. You know, just make sure bed is comfy, livingroom cosy and that the fridge isn't empty. But the years always leave too quickly, and the one knocks on the door when I'm about to get rid of the mess of the farewell party we just had. I always jump into the new year somehow late, unprepared, a bit lost and scared to face this blank book that is yet to be filled with experiences, lessons to learn, people to meet, places to discover, feelings to treasure, memories to create. But then I look back at the past year, I see the first of January, all the way back, at the very begining of the year, at the very start of the road I've taken. And eventhough my heart is still beating a bit faster, my hands shaking and having a lump in my throat, it's not only because of fear. It's also of excitment to welcome a new yeaar, a new friend in my life.
One of the things I dislike the most about myself, among the how so many bad points I have, is that I seem to never learn from my mistakes. I never ever learn from my past. If I learn something, or change my way to think or behave, it is simply because I suddenly feel like it is obviously what I need to do or to be. For some unknown reason a part of my inner machinery suddenly takes a new rythm, and this change in my personality becomes immediatly natural. I am simply not a person that knows how to go from point A to B taking time and efforts, method and experiences. I wake up one day, and I look around, surprised to realize things have changed. Process. That is a word that doesn't make sense to me. I wish it did though. Because I'm also incredibly stubborn and lazy. Therefore, no matter how many times I fail, fall or get hurt, unless this unexpected magic happens, I'll keep doing the same thing over and over again. If I'm writing about this today, it's because I've just failed my written exams. I can't completely blame myself for that, because I did study for them. I did study the two weeks before the deadline. But I just didn't do during 4months. Which is probably one of the most stupid things to do, because it's tiring, really unpleasant, difficult and very rarely gives good results. Therefore, I think I want to try learning of my mistakes, I think I want to change. Little by little. With work and self discipline. Slowly but surely. And that does not only apply to school, if I really need to mention that.