mercredi 9 juillet 2014


Get ready for a long, very personnal post that might make you bored or uncomfortable or both.
Now that you're warned, off we go.

There are many things I don't deal well with. Crowds, intimacy, physical touch, speaking in public, phone calls, drunk people ... and desire. Desire is a very negatively connoted word in buddhism for example, or even in christianity where it's often associated with lust. That's not the kind of desire I want to talk about. I'm here talking about what you dream of, what you wish for, what you very stronly want to achieve. I'm talking about dreams and goals, if we were to put it simply.

Dreams and goals are supposed to be an happy thing, they give you a direction, give meaning to one's life and are basically a strengh to carry on and always go on. I'm well aware of that, I know people who are dreamless. They don't really have passions, they don't thrive and are not obsessed with anything. But see... the word came. obsessed.
I cannot bring myself to separate dreams and obsession, and I cannot bring myself to think of obsession as something positive.

If you know me well, you probably know where that's all going.
I can deal, reasonably well with medium and little goals. I did well with running 15kms this year, or reading 30books, not washing my hair too often or getting good grades at university.

But I don't deal well at all, at all, with my old dream of moving to Japan. I don't. I really don't.
16 y-o me, probably thought that the 22y-o me would have made it work by now. Would have had a degree, would be fluent or almost in japanese and ... 16y-o me was all wrong. Because despite how priviledged I am, despite the years that went by none of that happened.
I know that I cannot be too harsh on myself, because I got sick. But on the other hand I cannot blame it all on my condition. Now, I'm doing better, I could study by myself. I could study japanese, that's what I should do. Because you must work in order to fulfil your dreams. But I don't. I am paralyzed.
This dream is so big I cannot seem to find how to touch it, I keep staring at it while time is passing by. That vicious circle still has a huge impact on my mood and mental health.
There are so many years of my life, hardships, cries, people, expectations and possiblities behind this dream that it makes even scarier.
I am tired though, really tired of not being able to move towards this precious dream of mine. I am sad and sick of this vicious circle, I am done with feeling sorry for myself and seeing people achieving things while I'm stuck, or so it seems, along the road.

I've already written about this exact same thing several times before, on here, on tumblr, on twitter... I cannot even count how often I've talked about it with my therapist. And if I'm being honest, I don't have full confidence that this will change from now on, I'm not sure I'll be able to find the way out of this depressing situation. But I needed to get it out of my chest. Usually this hits around April, but today the rain and the smell of restaurants reminded me of Nara, and how happy I was to be in Japan. Ultimately the thought that I was stupid and lazy, not working on making this dream come true came to my mind and crushed me down.

I don't want to waste a chance I have just because I got sick, or because I'm scared. I really don't.
I don't want to let myself down on that, I'd like to be able to look back in a few years and smile.

9 commentaires:

  1. I've seen my life take a very similar path to yours as you've described. When I was 16, my goal was to go to university in Spain and become fluent in Spanish. I thought my 22 year old self would have a degree and be teaching English at a school in Madrid. I ended up not getting enough financial aid to attend the school in Spain that I wanted to go to. That devastated me and really sidelined my dreams for awhile, because I let it. I think there's something about being afraid of not realizing dreams that makes us afraid to do the work to get there. At least that's what happened with me, I convinced myself that I could be happy with a different life. It wasn't until I studied abroad in Spain my last semester of university that I finally started working toward my goal again. I graduated when I was 23 and am now in graduate school to become an English teacher. I'll graduate from there in 6 months at the age of 25. I'll probably teach in Dubai or Abu Dhabi, or anywhere else abroad where I am able to land a good teaching job. I still hope to eventually live in Spain, but I've let go of the deadlines and it wasn't until I did this that I was able to start working toward my dream again.

    A lot of times I think we subconsciously feel that it's easier to not reach a goal because of something we did, rather than because of the unfairness of life and situations beyond our control. Once we let go of that fear, it can be very freeing! Hang in there, if Japan is what you really want, you'll get there! You may be 25 or 30, but you'll get there. Once you're there, you won't care how long it took.

  2. I'm new to your blog. Your Youtube videos have really brightened my day. Thank you posting them! I am in a similar situation as you've described in this post. You have to remind yourself that you are doing the best that you can at this very moment. Try not to be so hard on yourself, much of the set backs you listed were not things you could control. You have a dream in sight and just need action to set in motion. And you'll know when the time is right. I'm learning that sometimes we need to "Be Still" for a little while, when all we really want to do is run ;)

  3. Hi Emy, It's crazy to read something, what actually I felt a few years ago. When I was teenager I also thought that after my university i will find perfect job, perfect men, I will have perfect home and beautiful 3-4 kids. I will helping animals and poor people. When i start my engineering education my biggest dream was to go Dubai, to live there, create amazing projects and of course my dreams of perfect family doesn't change. When I pass 26 years old I finish my study. Even 2, I had 2 degree + almost 2 years work experience in designing company. I was ready to get the world, but still I was alone, my previous relationships not works. Non of my ex wasn't ready to get married, too have a family, as I was. So I quick my job and I decided to go to Dubai. And I did. I was going there 3 times, and I back with nothing. I was really depressed. 2 years gone. 2 years of frustrations, angers and disappointing myself. I was extremely tired, I can't look at the mirror and smile. One day I really had no idea what to do, and for last money I just book the ticket. Again. Again I go to Dubai. And guess. Now I'm 30. I met the most handsome, funny and just best man of the world. My husband. Who ask me to merry after one week from our first date. Of course we get married one year later, but we did. I have job which give me lots of happiness, but it's not enginerring job. I'm designing, but not buildings. Because of my job, I meeting amazing people, I visit nice places, and still I have a time to read books, to take care of home and my animals. Also together with my husband, we trying at least small way to help poor people. I leave life which I always wanted. Of course not everything is perfect. I still don't have a kids, I don't have my own hause, I not earn as much I want, and many, many other things, but have all I need at this time. I believe that my dreams will come true. One by one. But i'm not the person who deciding about it. I belive God does. We just have to try. And the rest to give in His hand. Because now you don't have enough strength to catch your dreams, its because the right time didn't come yet. I was 28-years old and by life was totally broken, one trip, one decision, totally change my life. Everything. Who knows. Maybe if you will do this now (go to Japan), something bad will happen, something will go wrong on the way. I believe you have to do, what you doing. You have to study. You not perfect with Japanees yet? Continue your study. Talk with people. When I come to Dubai I can say only few words by english. I'm still far from good speaking english, but I don't care. I just continue learning. Sometimes I'm also lazy. So what? Tomorrow is new day, new power. The most important to not give up, never, but also to not judge yourself too bad. You are very smart girl, so stay strong. And if you will feel really bad, just remember that there is Kinga from Poland, which till 28 years old waiting, when her dreams will start comming true. Regards.

    1. Hello! I feel encouraged by your reply. It's beautiful to know that someone had ever been on a depression but managed to go through it and actually living a life that she/he has been dreaming of like years. For Emy, ganbatte! Keep smiling and moving forward :)

  4. Chere Emy,

    Je vous regarde de temps en temps sur youtube et je vous réponds en français car je sais que vous le parlez aussi. Soyez patiente car vous vivez beaucoup de choses en ce moment et la vie vous apprendra que rien n'est rectiligne et que cela vaut mieux pour nous. En vous lisant, vous semblez avoir des regrets mais je puis vous assurer que vous progressez, vous me rappelez une amie qui se pose les mêmes questions. Si je puis être de bons conseils, n'hésitez pas, j'ai fait les langues'O...

    bien à vous


  5. I have a similar issue due to anxiety. I got with a life coach and they taught me alot of skills to stop "freezing".

    Try looking one up. A therapist helps you deal with your reality in a healthy way they don't help you build the future you want. A life coach helps you reach those goals you want. Like am athlete has a coach to perfect their skills and get better and better.

    It's totally worth it.

    Good luck.

  6. you are a clever girl and know all of it already yourself for quite a while I'd say.
    some things need the right mute to be done. so if you get hit again by it, make use of the incident.
    make your dreams concrete before, plan what has to be done to accomplish it and then when the moment comes, realize your plan.

    will be happy to read when you finally did it.


  7. Hi. I found your blog through your Natto video, since I'm making some right now and was watching related videos on youtube.

    I want to start by saying this: Life can be scary, and it is ok to be afraid, or even terrified. That's normal, and it happens to everyone. What matters in life, because it separates failure from success, is to learn how to keep moving forward while you feel afraid. It will feel alien at first, and may be quite unpleasant for a little while, but if you are willing to learn to be comfortable with being uncomfortable you will find that your dream no longer stays as just a dream... it will slowly become reality for you.

    It may help to tell yourself: "I am afraid. I know I am afraid. If I move forward I am afraid it will all be for nothing if I fail. But... I will move forward anyways, even though it will feel uncomfortable for a bit. As I get used to the feeling it will feel less bad, until it feels good to move forward. This will come with time, so right now I will just keep moving forward and recognize what scares me."

    A lot of people don't realize that you can never be the best at something, or accomplish a big goal, if you do not become obsessed with it. I am obsessed with human health, particularly movement and posture in exercise and daily life. Obsession really means that you work on something all the time. Every person I look at, I am examining how they move, how they are put together, what might be happening inside their body, what they should be good at, what modifications I'd have to make if I was designing an exercise program for them, etc. I do many other things with my life, but this is always in the background. I am obsessed with human movement, and that is ok. It is also ok for you to be obsessed with becoming a part of Japanese society.

    Don't be afraid of becoming obsessed with learning Japanese and finding a way into the lifestyle and culture in Japan. Don't let any fear you fill keep you from moving forward: Feel the fear, and move forward anyways. Those steps forward during your times of greatest self-doubt will become the moments that you are the most proud of, just as these moments that you have let fear paralyze you into doing nothing are causing so much distress right now. The fear will fade with time, until what you feel is not fear at all, but it will be fear for a while.

    Don't worry about working hard so much as working consistently: Some days you will be more focused than others, but you must still hold yourself to whatever reasonable standard for a bad day you decide on, as a bare minimum each day. You will find that some days you accomplish much more, and on those days you will really appreciate having stuck to your schedule on the crappy days because that is what will have kept you moving forward.

    Remember: It is ok to be a mess while you get used to moving forward with fear. Don't think about what anyone else says, or on "what if" scenarios. Don't set a strict timeline, but do set a strict minimum schedule for time spent working towards your goal each day.

    If you are building a house, as long as you keep putting one brick in place after another, there is only one final result possible: a brick house. You just have to show up, at least do the minimum, and that house will be finished, you will be living in it, and you will know that you accomplished something worth being extremely proud of.

    That house is your dream of a life in Japan. The chance will always be there, you simply have to reach out and hold onto it.

    I hope that helps you move forward, and I hope you already are moving forward. I won't say good luck, because you don't need luck. Instead I will say "Be strong enough to take one step forward each day, even when you feel too weak to move" because that is all you need to get what you want.

  8. Your dream is not so far away as you think! You already speak Japanese well and have visited there and other places in the world. Some people dream of living in a foreign country without knowing ANYTHING of the language and never having traveled outside of their state. You really shouldn't worry so much (sorry, not saying that to diminish any difficulties you have)! You are young and live a healthy life and through your videos seem like a very smart and friendly person. A personal story I have is that my sister just graduated from an Ivy League university (we live in America) on time at 22, and she is completely stuck. She feels completely lost and is depressed all the time. She suddenly realized that she has to live in the adult world now that she has graduated, and she has no idea what she wants to do with the rest of her life. She can't find a job, and has decided to take 2 years off to work a little and study before applying to medical school. She stays home all day and doesn't do much and sleeps irregular hours. She is generally unhappy and afraid of the future, even though she had such a smooth life up till now. You on the other hand know exactly what you want and have a passion, so you are that much ahead of everyone else who may have graduated on time but have no idea what to do with their lives! Really don't worry. The most important thing, that you already have, is a true passion for something and determination to get it. You will get there if you keep working toward it and doing what you are doing. You are a wonderful person and I have every belief in you! Don't be too hard on yourself please.